time to write

I have not been able to write anything as the whole story feels so huge. I mean, it IS huge. All the girlfriends, violence, alcoholism, drunk driving, starving, you can imagine. At the moment I have anxiety. Like there would be something special I'd need to do. But there isn't. I have went for the shops and done shopping. I'm writing. I've ironing HIS clothes, which HE washed himself. That's ok, that's avoiding anxiety think. Do something. I got a stitch in my hand as my kitty ran out of the door and ended up in a cat fight. And I just ran to save him and as he was still in fight mode he bit me. But I'm ok. I'm sorry, there would be so much which needs to come out but it doesn't. Soon I hope. But all is still the same.

Update

I have been really stuck mentally for a while now, so sorry for a break. I'm still stuck, but let's see. Anxiety is quite bad, I have no food so no dinner or breakfast for me. Waiting for a while in a hope of getting some more money, but soon I need to be going to buy some meds and maybe potatoes or something. Stove is broken, only the oven works, so I need to prepare something in there. And of course he has been gone for 3 nights now.

This time it hits his family too. I hope they feel the same than I have felt. His dad is sick and should be taken to see a doctor (they think taking him to a hospital works, but no, they don't do anything there, a proper doctor is the one who he should see...), but my so dear hubby is gone, he has sold his phone, so he cannot be reached. Though we all know his girlfriend's phone number so maybe they are contacting her then. Oh the joy of this stupid relationship.

I want to be free already. I want to be able to work. I want to be able to live.

Photos are my brother's. He took them last time he was here in 2016.

Moving

There was a really stupid argument with the neighbour and I wanted to move out. She though she can cause havoc in between me and the hubby by mentioning The Person (A), but it was nothing as hubby already knew everything. So all ended up so that it was me apologizing something which the other one should have apologised from me. Oh well. Moving out.

Next home was nice, there were 2 nice dogs, the neighbors and the landlady was nice, the room was small, but I managed to be out a lot and had a small garden even with tomatoes, spinach, carrots, cucumbers and so on. It was nice.

I found a Valentine's Card from the car and that caused an argument. He denied having a girlfriend, that it was him writing it for himself etc. Right. I was kicked on my back,  I dragged him with his hair, I was kicked out from the car because I refused to give him a beer bottle 50 m before the gate. Or I said let me dig it out by the gate when I was supposed to get up anyway, but it wasn't soon enough. The times when I walked to the shops at night just to proof him lying that he'd been there. Hiding from the cars, hiding from the people. But it was quiet.    gfttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttr (That was the cat.)

It was hard. And I was in pain. I cut myself regularly to try to get some rest from the tension my body had. Trying to choke myself to get some sleep. Didn't overdose much at the time, all ended different way.

I had started going into soccer games with the hubby and his friends. A was there sometimes too and it always calmed me down when he was around. Sometimes just sitting next to each other and feel the breathing. Hubby even taking photos of us!

Had fun with the hubby too. 

This is October this year. 

Going to the game.

Wild. 

But how A got back into my life and what happened after that? 

When things started to get wrong.

Hubby's son broke his elbow and he was taken to the hospital. Hubby (O from now on) had gotten a car from someone (he doesn't have a driver's license but drives with the license ha? Pfffff). My mom paid for the elbow operation and O started driving that same car as a taxi for the car's owner. That's when the disappearing started.

He might had told me that he is almost home, but then he never came. I might have sat by the gate for the whole night, though I don't understand why as I should have understood at some point that he is not coming. But maybe for trying to make him feel guilty, but naah, didn't work on him. And this is the time, I think, when he met his girlfriend in a bar and let her move in into our house which we had built to Tafara for renting.

Me and O's sisters went there one time, me driving (yeah¸ I have my European driver's license, which is ok for a while, so I should turn in into the zim one, just don't have the money for that yet). She, the girlfriend, ST from now on, just managed to run away.from us, left everything there. O's older sister, who was a police (now passed away 2 years ago), broke into the room and we found O's bracelet and a jacket. But I didn't want to believe.

So the house, which was suppose to bring us our own rental moneys was not rented in the end and no money was coming from there. There were still 2 other rooms, but I just heard stories why they are hard to get rented etc. Tiresome.

So sitting  by the gate with a blanket around you playing sudoku with you phone or standing under a tree when it rains and the lightings lighten the night might not be your dream night, but that's what I did. Or that one time when I just couldn't take it, I made vodka drinks, drank fast fast fast, until threw up on the floor and flat out. Not a dream night either. In the morning he came home and silently helped to clean the floor. Right.

This is the time when I was diagnosed generalized anxiety disorder.

O's sister's baby on my back.

From the house, the first room rented (but never got the money), middle one where ST stayed. 

Me and O's older sister looking for the place where their father was working as we were suppose to meet him. She's wearing her police uniform. And the car is our first one, I will tell the story of that one later on. It was easy to drive and nice. 

 

Tired but fine.

Today I am still very tired. Yesterday started well, I ran almost 10 km and cleaned the house while me and the so-called hubby waited for the bathing water to heat up. And that's when I started to get tired again. I had managed to sleep maybe 3½ hours and I woke up after 4. Couldn't get any more sleep so that's why I decided to go  for a run instead.

Almost home and could have continued.

But I had agreed to meet a friend in town so that's where I went and even if I'm tired, I just enjoy walking there. These days I'm carrying my small camera discreetly and I can take photos, it has made it a whole now feeling to walk there. I have not gone to down town with it, but will do that one time soon. Now it's been cleaner and less crowded uptown.

Some photos from the past days and I will continue my story on my next text.

Wind blows so warm that the laundry dries in a few hours.

Got a cool map from the tourist info yesterday.

We live there by the green X.

Left with the hubby in the morning.

Met a friend accidentally at the main post office. He's there on the right of that white car.

Jonathan from Congo changed the battery for my watch.

A church in the middle of the town.

This is from my bus stop in town, Park Street.

Sitting in a high roof kombi bus.

Tired but happy.

Beginning.

He got home yesterday evening after being practically gone since Friday. He only came to change clothes on Saturday morning. I gave him a harsh speech about his behaviour, but it probably went through deaf ears. Oh well. I told him I will be gone one night soon as well to see how he's reacting, he shouldn't have any right to get angry at me since he is always gone. Anyway. I do have some plans, but I'm still not going to do like he does. 

I woke up with mixed feelings. Kind of tired, kind of anxious, kind of everything. Couldn't decide whether to write or not. But I kind of feel like writing too.

How we started. I told this first time in my Finnish blog and now I'm going to tell you the same. 

I had been put down with THE friend so I went to the shops, looked for a friend of ours with whom I had been talking quite a lot, and asked him to get me some diazepam. Meanwhile I went to buy a small bottle of vodka and a soft drink. I made a drink for myself, got my pills, took one of those too. I never believed that this would happened to me. It had never happened before but now it did.

I blacked out. I lost my memory. That friend had taken me home, he told I was just crying too much and I shouldn't be there in the public like that. But the first memory what I have is that he was on top of me and we had just finished having sex. Unprotected. I don't really remember how I felt at the moment, quite confused probably, but otherwise.

When he was about to leave I asked would he come back in the evening. He promised. And he came.

So started our relationship. The future wife without memory of how ending up like that and the future husband happy that he had gotten me. But the beginning was otherwise fine, he treated me well, came home to me, told me if he went to his brother's house where he had been staying that far. We cooked together, wanted to have a baby together (he knew that I had problems with that), went out together etc. We got married next year as I needed the marriage certificate for my residence permit. But I didn't especially look for someone to marry because of that, it just happened and if it hadn't, I would have found out another way.

And all was well for a while.

This is the cottage I lived at the time. 

Him and THE friend in a soccer game.

Him.

And the boys of course loved having me there.

Welcome

I have been writing a blog about my life here in Finnish for over a month now, telling the truth, telling how my personal life has been here. Because it has been terrible, it has caused generalized anxiety disorder, it has caused me to self harm myself and it has almost killed me by suicide. But I'm still here and I want to tell my story.

But the most important thing for me is that I love living here. Otherwise I would have never survived. I love the nature, I love how friendly the people are, I know how much more easygoing person I am here. I might lock myself in because of the anxiety, but when I get out, I love watching the same trees on my way to the shops, I love spotting new flowers, follow the birds, smile at the monkeys and greet the people.

Mamuka sei?
Tamuka, Mamuka sei?
Tamukabhoo

or

Maswera sei?
Taswera, maswera sei?
Taswera.

Or

Ndeipi?

Zviri sei sei?

Muribhoo?


Yes, ndiribhoo. Arisei murume wako? Aribhoo.

Mushe mushe.

Kurisei kumba? Kurinani.


I love the smell of the savannah blowing in from the half opened window. I love my Zimbabwean rescue cat, who happily sleeps now on top of the ward robe on the winter blanket.

All this love has kept me sane. Things have been tight, very tight, and I am going to tell you all. I have been handcuffed on Friday evening at a park, I have stared the moon when someone who you have loved at the moment has entered you. The time you gave up on having a marriage, because your husband just keeps of having his girlfriend living in our house in Tafara, letting her abort their babies when being about 7 months pregnant (abortion is illegal here so you can only turn on witch doctors), all these I heard, I knew, and I let it all get too much in me. Then I took the rat poison, survived, and decided that I can live then too, I don't need to care whether I am married or not as the so-called husband didn't care about that either. But I have been much more careful than him. He knows nothing about what I've been doing. But the little birds are chirping in Shona what he was doing and you know what, I also have brain and I can think. Fooling me can be hard and he failed it.

But this is how we can start our story.